Saturday, February 22, 2014

Random Thoughts On First Time Feelings

It’s the nearing the middle of day fourteen sans orgasm and I find myself in a rather reflective mood.

@TrinaMaria09, a member of the awesome #polyposse, asked me this morning if this was the longest I’d ever gone without an orgasm - it without question most definitely is. I probably ‘realized’ the pleasure my dick could provide around the time as most guys did - age thirteen or fourteen. I’m now forty-seven and, thus, have been masturbating a good thirty plus years. I’m not an occasional wanker…no, I am (or was) a two-time-a-day dude...and when I was younger it was even more frequent. Again, today is day fourteen and a few months ago that would’ve meant at least 28 orgasms over the same two-week time span. Yeah, this is the longest I've ever gone - ever =)

So, what does it feel like to have sex AND not cum? To satisfy your partner and then try to fall asleep with a raging hardon? To give up that control - something we all hold dear - to someone else for them to toy and play with? In short, it feels amazing.

The longer answer is one I’m still working on - one I’m still figuring and feeling out myself. Aside from being horny ALL THE TIME (i.e. ready to go at the slightest of touches), I do feel different. I feel somehow more docile, more loving, more cuddly, and more amiable - if you can believe that. I’ve been told in the past that I can be perceived as ‘hard’ or ‘callous’ - which couldn’t be further from who I actually am. However, if I’ve noticed a change in the way I feel, then I would think hubby has noticed as well. Tomorrow is our weekly ‘sex talk’ where we’ve begun to share how we feel about our new sexual ‘play.’ On my list (yes, I do make lists - I’m fucking anal - LOL) of things I’d like to talk about is if he’s noticed the change or if it's simply an unnoticeable feeling I'm experiencing.

I read an interesting article today on Huffington Post about the mental affects of S&M and how those engaged in it had their brain-blood-flow-patters altered while at play. Sadomasochism is certainly something I enjoy and SPH certainly falls into that category. However, it makes me curious if there have been similar studies done on orgasm denial. Is what I’m feeling ‘normal’ under these conditions? Do denied guys (and gals) become nicer, more accommodating, more thoughtful partners? Something else to Google at some point =)

And of course there’s the sexual feelings as well. Hubby woke me up last night specifically for a blowjob - something he hasn’t done in years. (Partly, I assume, because we maintain separate bedrooms.) I like that he felt comfortable enough with his new ‘role’ to do so. Perhaps that’s in part due to my orgasm being withdrawn/not a given. When my orgasm is removed from our sexual relationship equation then the vast majority of our sex becomes about him - about his pleasure - about his cock. Not that he doesn’t give me pleasure - he certainly does - but it’s at his discretion and not a reciprocal sort of thing; I feel physical pleasure when he decides. In the most of bizarre of ways, that knowledge alone gives me a tremendous amount of psychological pleasure - and makes my cock ache in desire and need. And of course, this all fulfills my deep desire to 'serve'...but that’s for another post.

Day fourteen and I’m relatively sure I’ll be granted an orgasm either tonight or tomorrow - and fuck, I’m gonna enjoy it. But there’s also a tiny masochistic part of me that hopes he’ll make me wait another five days until I return from my trip…

I feel amazing and utterly grateful!




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