Today marks the beginning of day seven of this denial 'session'. And unlike yesterday, it's a beautiful day. Beautiful in the sense that I feel good – really good – both physically and emotionally.
As I continue this new journey of Tease-n-Denial, I seem to be getting better at recognizing the many layers of feelings associated with it. By that I mean I realize that I feel differently from day to day. For instance, yesterday was difficult — no doubt about it. I was in pain, I felt incredibly needy, and even slightly irritable. But, today could not be more different!
Today is one of those days, I imagine, denialees (is that even a word?) live for. I feel good — really good. I feel different and I don't hurt. In fact, quite opposed to hurting, I instead feel sexy. I'm horny — unquestionably — but I don't feel that incredible urgency...the overwhelming neediness which can overpower everything else. My nuts don't hurt but I’m undoubtably aware of them; they feel full, almost tingly, and I'm constantly and acutely aware that they're there. And my dick is in a constant state of half erection and it feels amazing. I know this feeling. I've felt before...this beautiful, nearly euphoric state of hyper-arousal. Not that yesterday is something I didn’t appreciate experiencing — I did…I do! I’m honestly enjoying ALL the new things I’m feeling. And I’m eternally grateful to Hubby for the opportunity to fully explore this kink.
I've heard other denialees comment about 'the orgasm not being worth it'. Meaning, the 15 or 20 seconds of intense, awesome pleasure of cuming is almost instantly replaced by the feeling that you’ve returned to day one…that you’re starting over. Having never experienced the feelings being referred to I couldn't fully comprehend the gravity, the complexity, or the enormity of that statement. In fact, if I’m being honest, I sorta felt like they were a little nuts. I mean who in their right mind doesn't want to have an orgasm? Now however, I fully understand; after orgasm I return to feeling ‘normal’. When that happens, after days or weeks of denial, I instantly miss the ache in my nuts, the constant yearning for sex, and basically being relatively unaware of my dick again.
However, it's more than just missing the eroticism of denial, it's also about the unforeseen benefits to my relationship that my release affects. I was chatting with my #Posse this morning (man, I love you guys) about this very thing. I’ve come to understand denial makes me a different kind of partner. A better partner, perhaps. I feel more attentive to his needs, more caring about how he feels, and just more present overall. Once I orgasm however, those intense feelings seem to fade right along with the deep longing for sex and ache/buzzing in my nuts.
I’ve also read the first two weeks of denial is the hardest. I’m not quite certain what that means ‘exactly.’ Therefore, I’m left to wonder what (if any) new experiences/feelings I might encounter/enjoy/be challenged by if I were ever to make it past the fourteen day mark - my longest period yet.
Will today, day seven, pass without my release? I don’t know - and I fucking LOVE that.
I do long to touch myself though…it’s been more than three weeks since I’ve touch my dick in a pleasurable way. That, perhaps more than the release, I miss. BUT, I also love that I’ve been denied that pleasure as well. I’m still sorting out exactly how I feel about it…perhaps, once I do, it’ll be a future post.